Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
