I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
