You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
