They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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