Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
