I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
