apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
should my penis look like a turkey
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
