Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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