dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
