I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
