Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
