Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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