Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
