I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
