When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
In other news, I just burned my penis
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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