Hey man sorry I got all grabby
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
