We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
