I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
