the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
