when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
