I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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