So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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