I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
