operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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