this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize