its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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