One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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