I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
