I faked an abortion last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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