Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
is it fun? or sober?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
