Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
