my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
