Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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