if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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