A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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