I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
