totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
