Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
