Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
