I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize