I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
