Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
