I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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