I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
