matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
