I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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