Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
