It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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