The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
