I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
