Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
