guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
