Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
