I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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