totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
