nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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